Japanese wisdom for real life.
The other day I saw a video of a 25-year-old guy saying that his life sucked for the following reasons,
- “I couldn’t finish my degree because of work.”
- “I’ve gone bald from stress.”
- “I have a hard time making friends because I don’t have the time, money, or desire to make friends.”
- “And I give up relationships because every time I get dumped, I get depressed, and my life hurts too much.”
And I said to myself, I may not be able to help you with the job or the not going bald thing — I’m not a bio-hacking guy or a financial guru — but I could give you some good advice on how to get over your breakups.
I’m an expert at getting dumped 🙂
And after so many failures, one learns to deal with the loss so that it hurts less.
And I think this advice can help anyone in “f*ck love, I’m not in the mood for this sh*t anymore” mode.
So if this is your case, I hope it helps.
Let’s start.
Omoiyari, The Japanese Method That Changed My Life
In the words of Erin Niimi Longhurst, the author of the book Omoiyari the Japanese Art of Compassion, “Omoiyari is a form of altruistic compassion: putting yourself in other people’s shoes and from their perspective, anticipating their needs.”
And what does this have to do with getting dumped? Very much so.
Look, every time they broke my heart, they did it in different ways,
- The relationship wore down over time.
- It was a platonic online relationship that lost steam.
- It was a Tinder date, which ended up in a relationship, but in the end, they ghosted me.
But it always hurt like hell.
The point is I tried everything,
- Repress my emotions.
- Argue.
- Becoming a passive-aggressive monster.
- Detachment.
None of that helped me feel better; no blaming my ex, no Buddha-like detachment.
But then I discovered this Japanese method, which they don’t apply to breakups, but I made my mix, and it turns out that now it hurts a lot less to be dumped.
How does it work?
What you give, you give yourself.
The point is to understand that what we give, we give to us. Read it again
Luke 6: 30 says, “Give to everyone who asks you, and whoever takes from you what is yours, do not demand it from him.”
And that means life is about giving without expecting anything in return. Once you learn this, the next thing to do is to anticipate.
And this is where Omaiyari, aka using empathy and ANTICIPATING to the needs of others, comes in.
This brings us to the advice of the law firm where I worked.
To the enemy silver bridge.
I have had the good fortune to work in the most prominent law firm in Spain, and undoubtedly one of the most prestigious, and thanks to that work, I have met business people, politicians, athletes, etc.
And you know which was the most recurrent advice when someone powerful came to manage a divorce?
Yes, the silver bridge thing.
What does “to the enemy, silver bridge” means? Three things.
- That the further away from you, the enemy, the better.
- That diplomacy is the art of making your enemy think he has won, but in the end, you came out on top.
- That the enemy has no reason to do you more harm.
Three key points.
- When they let you remember that giving without expecting anything in return is the key. (You want to keep looking at yourself in the mirror in the morning and not feel ashamed, your ex can do whatever they want).
- Omoiyari: anticipate your ex’s needs, and make things easy for them so they go as far away as possible, as fast as possible. This will make the breakup hurt less, even if it is counter-intuitive.
- Internalise that the less reason you give your ex (the enemy) to hold a grudge and come back into your life to complicate your existence, the happier and calmer you will be.
Takeaway
If when you get dumped, instead of getting mad, you do everything you can to make the other person feel good by anticipating their needs (Omoiyari), you’ll suffer less in your breakups. Try it.
A virtual hug
AG