The Dark side of my grandfather.
My grandfather lent money to his children and charged them interest.
When I heard about it from my mother, I felt betrayed. How could my grandfather, the man I admired the most, be so mean and do business with his children’s needs?
And one day, I confronted him and asked him.
He was not offended. He told me, “Sit down and listen to what I’m going to tell you carefully.”
And what he said to me changed my life.
My grandfather’s most honest confession
“I love my children, but I don’t need them to love me. My job is to get them to do well in life and be self-sufficient. And if they have to think I’m mean or hard on them to do that, so be it.” — My grandfather.
My grandfather grew up when everything was a life-and-death decision.
- He lived through the Spanish Civil War.
- He lived through the famine.
- He lived through 40 years of military dictatorship.
So he didn’t have much time for sentimentality (although he adored his seven sons and his only daughter, my mother).
He tried to be practical and learned from his mistakes.
He always said, “Man is the only animal that can trip over the same stone twice. If you can stumble only once, you will be ahead of 99% of your competitors”.
And my grandfather followed his maxim to the letter.
If he was wrong about something or someone, there were no second chances; he never stumbled twice with the same stone.
At one point in his 90s, he would say, “At this point in my life, I don’t even wait to be wrong. If something gives me a bad feeling, I reject it; I don’t even give myself a chance to prove myself wrong. Grandson, at 90 years old, I have to rely on all the accumulated experience rather than the possibility of being wrong.”
My grandfather’s darkest truth
“Make them depend on you, because they will always have to listen to you.” — My grandfather.
My grandfather told me that one of his sons had a girlfriend, and my grandfather helped them buy their first apartment financially.
The girlfriend cheated on my uncle, and my grandfather had to watch his son lose the apartment he helped him buy.
From that moment (the first stumbling block), he never made the same mistake again.
And so when the rest of his children got married, instead of asking the bank for a mortgage, my grandfather bought the apartments, and then the children had to pay him a monthly payment plus the same interest charged by the bank.
I still didn’t understand why he did it, and he told me something unique.
The most hidden lesson my grandfather taught me.
“It is important to know how to ask. But it is more important to know who you are asking, because when you ask for money you don’t just owe money, you owe the favor. And there are those who charge you favors much more expensive than the capital they lent you.” — My grandfather.
My grandfather loved his children very much, so if he lent them money,
- He would not harass them if they missed a monthly payment.
- His children, who were still young, had to justify their finances every month because if they missed a month, my grandfather could tell if they had financial problems, even if they didn’t want to confess it to him. And therefore, he was constantly informed of their accounts.
- The apartments stayed with the family because they were registered only in their children’s names and not their partners’.
In addition to these three points, my grandfather insisted on a much more significant concept.
No one can think like you because they don’t have the same brain.
“People don’t see life the way you see it. They see it through their eyes, not yours.” — My grandfather
After that conversation, my grandfather said, “Your body is a horse, and your brain is the rider. The problem with youth is that it is the time when the rider is inexperienced, and the horse is feral.”
So, my grandfather knew that his children saw the world through a different perception than he did.
But he also knew that children often don’t listen to their parents and think they are smarter than they are until they get into trouble, and then it’s too late.
That’s why my grandfather played the role of a bank for his children.
In this way, his children had to 1) answer for the debt contracted with him, 2) they had the obligation to listen to him, and 3) accept his advice.
This is how my grandfather got his children to listen to him and educate them financially.
Today, all his children (including my mother) own their own homes. Many of my uncles are successful businesspeople (some are now retired).
Takeaway
Many people in your life will only listen to you if they depend on you. If they don’t, they won’t listen to you. And they will make their mistakes, which, in the end, if they are loved ones, you will end up paying for.
Because when, for example, a son doesn’t listen to your advice and goes bankrupt, how can you not help him if you are his father? Ergo, it ends up costing you money.
That is why asserting the voice of experience is essential, even if it generates a healthy dependency.
A virtual hug
AG