Give it a try because it works.
It is challenging to deal with frightened people who fear for their lives and can only think about surviving another day.
That was my grandfather’s reality for more than 40 years.
My grandfather had to live through one of the worst times in my country: the Spanish civil war and Franco’s military dictatorship.
And getting ahead with his wife and his eight children took work.
People were difficult.
Life was difficult.
But he learned to deal with people in situations as complicated as unimaginable. And when I was old enough, he taught me his method for dealing with difficult people.
A method that has helped me a lot in life. And I hope it will help you too.
Let’s get started.
People are problematic for two reasons.
According to my grandfather, the first step in dealing with difficult people was dealing with the personal motivations that make a person difficult.
There were usually two: fear or discomfort.
- People who are afraid behave in a gloomy and distrustful manner because they believe they are in danger.
- People who feel bad have found that letting their anger out on the first person who crosses their path makes them feel a little better and relieves them of the emotional burden they carry inside.
You find people difficult for two reasons.
According to my grandfather, the second step in dealing with difficult people was understanding why you think someone is difficult.
Again, it is usually for two reasons: fear and selfishness.
- People who scare us seem difficult because we think we are in danger, and often we have reason to be scared or defensive.
- People who annoy us seem difficult because we believe they distract us from our daily chores and rob us of valuable time.
The ego is the one that sets the labels.
According to my grandfather, the third step to dealing with difficult people is to understand that the ego is not something wrong per se but a defense mechanism that aims to make you survive.
That’s why your ego warns you that you are in front of someone dangerous or who steals your valuable time: your ego wants your benefit.
But the ego has evolved slower than society has, so it usually offers you two ways out: fight or flight.
- Fight: confront the possible threat or be abrupt with someone who gets on your nerves and wastes your time.
- Flight: make excuses and get away from the difficult person at the slightest opportunity.
According to my grandfather, it is not a bad mechanism but too basic for today’s times.
The technique of giving space
During the civil war and the dictatorship, my grandfather had no choice but to mediate with difficult people. He could not confront them because they would have shot him. He could not avoid them because they would have imprisoned him.
So what did he do?
He realizes that people need their space; if you give it to them, you will benefit.
Difficult people are people. Reread it.
And because they are human beings, they feel and suffer. And whether they are afraid or feel bad, they are looking for understanding.
My grandfather always told me, “The worst thing you can do to deal with difficult people is to make them feel that they are not worth your time. Because that’s denying them, nullifying them, excluding them, and that’s what has usually made them difficult people in the first place.”
My grandfather told me that he managed to befriend the army captain who guarded the area where he lived because every time he went through the checkpoint, as he was being searched, he would say things like, “How are you doing? I’m tired; my children have had enough of me. And on top of that, I have to work 12 hours.
This allowed the captain to complain about his problems, saying, “My children are the same. You come home, and they treat you like you don’t exist.”
Thanks to the trust he built up every morning with the military, my grandfather survived because the captain saved him many times from going to prison.
Takeaway
People are problematic for two reasons: fear and discomfort.
Someone seems complicated to you because they intimidate or annoy you.
It’s all an ego game. But in the 21st century, it is not functional to respond aggressively or run away; trying to get along with difficult people is much better.
How to do it?
Remember that the difficult people you have in your life are problematic because they feel excluded or belittled by someone in their environment.
Give them their space, and things will get better.
Let me close this article with a quote from my grandfather for you to keep in mind and help you deal with the difficult people you face every day.
“People also need acceptance, recognition and someone to listen to them. If you give them what they need they will melt before you like ice cubes sprinkled with boiling water”. — My grandfather
A virtual hug
AG
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